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madame
hi there, this is me, the owner, CADEN YAP a.k.a the singapore no.1 bastard
birthday falls on 24th MARCH every year


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Saturday, September 23, 2006 9:52 PM
is been a long time since i post my blog. many things happened within this few weeks and somehow, i'm down. really down.

as i took the mrt today, i was recalling in my memory[any kind], i just feel so stupid for not cherishing you when i was first very close to you. now, we are no longer that close anymore and my heart just thought of the happy times together. perhaps you never felt that it was happy, i do not know. but all i know is that all the friends around me are getting further and further. i remembered the times when you wait for me at MAC after your exams just to wait for me. i remembered how you guys bully me. i remembered sending you home. i was so real darn happy. but it's all over now. the most unforgettable event is when i sent you home, and i took something for you. i did not want to return at all, because i want to make use of the opportunity to talk to you, to be more sociable to you. seeing you laughing, my heart really just brightened up. the message i sent to you regarding that day, it was the truth. i really want to thank you for the wonderful times we had together. now, it's immpossible to go back to the past. we got nothing to chat. and you won't want to chat with me either. at most i only asked you some questions, but that's all! that's the end of our conversation. the rest were answered unwillingly. sometimes, i wonder, do you really hate me so much? do you really hate to see me? to talk to me? my heart is shattered into pieces because of you. my heart no longer feel for OTHERS because of you. will you mend my heart? everytime i'm sad, i recalled on the things that we encountered. but as i began to recall, i realise how much you've hurt me, how important you are to me, how much my heart desire to go back to the life. that day you told me your feelings, i broke down in front of my frenz. i never realised you meant so much to me until the day you rejected me straight into my face, at that time, i knew, it's my fault, my fault for not cherishing you when i have the chance to do so. sorry..

today, i promised to be serious with God. i promised to let go of everything. i know that one thing had been taken out of my mind. but there's still something in my heart which disallow me to do the things i wanted to do. sometimes, i asked myself, why is it that my life had become like this? why is that there are some people who just don't cherish me? you used to ask me questions, but now you don't. i'm really sad.. and it's all because of you. tell me what to do in order to be friendly to you. tell me what should i do before i break down again. i wished to be the one who is going to be there for you when you needed me, but now i realised that someone else had taken over the place. i wished to be the one whom you can confide everything in, but it seemed like the same person had taken over the place. i wished to watch over you from behind, but i realised that you will not look back because there's is this same person who is standing beside you. tell me what else can i do?? i really hate myself.

everything i made a promise in my heart, you will be the one who make me break it. i discovered that you had a lot of influence in me. let me just be there for you can? let me become friendly with you can?? i beg you.. i really cannot do anything without your encouragement. i felt like a failure. with people talking behind my back. i wished to stop all these!!!!!